AHHGGG!!!!

I think- no scratch that- I KNOW I have a Charlie Brown complex. I think everyone hates me and no one wants to be around me. It's frustrating! I don't want to feel that way but it just happens. So what do I do with this information? How do I change it? I think I have too many things that I want to do with myself and I don't actually know what those things are to act on them. This misguided mismatched jumble inside makes for an emotionally compromised outside. I would really like to blame it on friends and my church- the two things that have caused me the most stress and pain in the past few months....but as much as I want to- I know it's a personal issue. That goes back to - now what?

Yesterday our Pastor was talking about living a "praying life" and then I thought back to what another person told me about "writing things out" and I realized that the two things are sort of the same for me. I have a hard time finding spoken word, but I can say what I want to say on paper (or screen- whatever). So maybe I can find my answer by writing it out. Maybe these moments of personal written clarity are just prayers in cyber form. If I believe that I am meant to be a writer, why wouldn't God give me this form of voice as my prayer?

So here it is- I would like to be more confident in myself and my abilities. I want to be able to help the world and make a difference in my own unique way- whatever that is- so I will need help with that too. I want to have the ability to not care when I feel people don't like me or the ability to realize that it's all in my head. I want to know God better and be able to pass that on to my children. Amen. (and fuck you Charlie Brown).